I succumbed to temptation this morning and picked up a coffee on the drive in rather than make whatever sludge is in the kitchenette at work. I normally don’t do this, but I saw a sign outside Cafe MiAroma proclaiming that they had switched to Stone Cup Coffee. The Stone Cup is the local roaster that moved their store downtown and away from me.

I walk inside, and some girl is on the floor sopping up who knows how many gallons of water that she had spilled. How she spilled it, I don’t know, and I wasn’t going to ask. I had to get to work at some point don’t you know. So after dodging that hazard, I step up and order a tall coffee, gesturing with my hands to indicate a huge cup. I pay her, and then she hands me the smallest Dixie sized coffee cup I’ve ever seen. “Tall”, I say. She nods. “Did you think I said small?” She shakes her head. The water cleaner upper steps in and says, “That is our tall. The large is a GRANDE.” At this point, I resist the urge to fill up the coffee cup, then throw it in both of their faces.

I guess I have Starbucks to blame for this phenomenon? I mean, who thought up Venti Vidi Vici and Moe or whatever they call their sizes? How can you in good conscience use a term that indicates great size like “Tall” for your smallest cup? Oh yeah, business owners have no conscience. Sometimes I forget…

The story has a happy ending at least. I must have given her my most intense glowering look, because she shrunk back, removed the “Tall” cup from the counter, and handed me a “Grande” with an apologetic smile.

I win. Her Flower Power was no match for my Glower Power.

I’ve been browsing around the Toothpaste for Dinner site the last couple of days, laughing like a damn fool. How in the world have I missed this site all these years?

Here is just one example of the brilliance that lies there:

It is 9am, and the temperature is 71 degrees Fahrenheit. If you aren’t from a climate that has nightly lows of 80 degrees from June through August, I’ll never be able to explain to you just how good waking up to a 71 degree morning feels. After battling the insane temps in Tennessee all summer long, it is an incredible relief when those cool nights of fall start showing up. Not that fall is here or anything, but it is a nice preview. I’m sure there will be plenty of nights with lows of 82 left this year. But anytime you can turn off the central air and open the windows at night in August here is a near miracle.

So I sit at near an open window enjoying my morning coffee, and sigh contentedly. For now.

Sigh.

Sunday was movie night with some friends. The selection: Undertow. Nope, I hadn’t heard of it either. But the cover proclaimed it a “Masterpiece”, so it must be good. Right?

Wrong.

I’m usually able to sit through a movie, even if it isn’t that good. I figure that I’ve already wasted my time sitting through half, so I might as well finish it up. Well, I did with this movie, but not without some convincing from my friends. This movie is terrible. End of story. I don’t care how many artsy cuts and fades there are, that can’t cover up the fact that the story is the most convoluted scattershot messes that I’ve seen on screen in some time. Lets see if I can summarize it. Believe me, you don’t care if I “spoil” anything for you.

Some dirty boy who looks a lot like Billy Elliot throws a huge rock through a girls window. Girls dad comes out with a shotgun and starts chasing boy. Boy runs and steps on a huge nail through a board. Then runs home without taking it out, so he is flailing around with a two foot board hanging off his foot. Boy lives on farm with his dad and a little brother. The little brother eats mud and paint but won’t eat food. Dad eats birthday cake and watches evangelists on the TV and smokes. Boy makes airplane for little brothers birthday with the bloody board he stepped on. Dad’s brother shows up. Acts weird. Asks about some gold coins their dad left them. Tries to steal coins and ends up murdering dad. Tries to chase boys but they get away with the coins. Oh, there was some massively stupid story about the coins and Hades or something too. At this point, I’m pretty well wishing the movie was over, but it was only about half done. After this point, things are kind of fuzzy. I think dad’s brother chased them around rural Georgia for about an hour. Shiri Appleby showed up at some point to drink some wine and get slapped around by a pimp or something and prattle on about wishing in a bottle. Then there was some big showdown for the coins, which got dumped in a 4 foot deep river. Where they are never to be found again. I guess.

Please, don’t watch this movie. If you see it on the shelf at Blockbuster, just walk away.

After spending most of the day (it felt like a month) furniture shopping yesterday, I began to ponder marriage. Would it be wrong to get married just so someone else had to do all the furniture shopping and decorating? Do I care if it would be wrong? I’m sure it would be a bad idea and all, but it sure seemed like an attractive option yesterday when I was wandering around Kinders lost and confused with my brain nearly shut down due to boredom overload.

Anywho, I bought a sofa. Yay me. Blah.

I’ve had a looooong week at work, and I’m a little down. And possibly borderline sociopathic.

So it is your turn to insert a little sunshine into my life for the weekend. Leave a comment with suggestions for a good movie or music selection or something that might keep me from going postal in the next couple of days.

Remember–if you don’t help, you hinder–and the blood will be on your hands too.

I’m having an especially bad day on the roads. I almost got backed into in a parking lot, sideswiped on the highway, and then backed into again in the parking lot at work.

And that was just when I went out to get lunch.

I think I’m going to hunker down in my office for the rest of the day where it is nice and safe. Or cry. Or start carrying a gun…

One of the [adult swim] bumps last night had a bunch of stuff that is supposedly available at their store. Mostly t-shirts, a belt, and finally a couple of knit caps including a Meatwad cap. Not a knit cap with a Meatwad patch on it, but a knit cap that looks like Meatwad:

I need it.

And I would have one on its way, if the online store had any trace of it. That’s right, I went to the [adult swim] store, and there is absolutely no evidence that this hat even exists. Which is going to make it really hard to order.

I guess I’ll just have to resume my search for a Tom Baker-era scarf…

Who knew that Celebrity Fit Club would be the thing that put Gary Busey back on the map? Because he is back on the map baby!

The Gingerdead Man is his comeback vehicle of choice, and a fine choice it was. Why, just listen to the plot outline from the IMDB entry: “An evil yet adorable Gingerbread man comes to life with the soul of a convicted killer – this real life cookie monster wreaks havoc on the girl who sent the killer to the electric chair.”

And because you know you wanna see it, here is a link to the trailer: The Gingerdead Man. Warning, NSFW due to some colorful language.

Things to keep in mind for the future: Don’t go to sleep on the futon without folding it out. I went to sleep all squished up on it last night watching TV, and woke up with my back as stiff as I can remember. I guess I am way too old and inflexible to be doing stuff like that.

Time for everyone to dip into their CD archives (or iTunes or whatever) for some fun weekend music: Save Ferris.

Ah yes. a return the the simple days of the mid-90′s ska fad. Save Ferris played 98 Degrees to No Doubt’s N*Sync. But that doesn’t mean they are without merit. A great cover of Come on Eileen, a song about Spam, and a pretty solid second CD. Gotta love it.

Spam
It’s pink and it’s oval
Spam
I buy it at the Mobil
Spam
It’s made in Chernobyl
Spam

Jeff Jarvis has a little project going here. He is asking bloggers to list their 10 favorite TV shows, without including “dutiful” additions (he lists The Honeymooners & Milton Berle as examples.) I’m going to take it a bit further and not include shows that are universally praised. So no Simpsons, Seinfeld, Sopranos (what is it with S shows?), etc. Since I LOVE me some TV, I decided I would join in. Here is my list in no particular order.

Veronica Mars (UPN)
I assume that regular readers of this blog are NOT surprised. Just do a search on this blog if you want to know the magnitude of my love for this show.

The Wire (HBO)
I describe this show as reading a book on TV. Just like a book, there is tons and tons of setup and character development. On first glance, the show just seems like nothing is going on because it takes so long to introduce the huge cast and setup the storyline. But when things start clicking, they click. It can be a daunting show to take on, as you really need to commit to watching 5 or 6 episodes before you can really say whether you like it or not. But it is a worthwhile commitment. I watched the first season in a weekend and will never look back. It has been renewed for a forth season, but I highly recommend that if anyone wants to check it out, go seek out the DVD’s and watch from the start.

Beverly Hills 90210 (FOX)
I blame my sister. I used to sit at her house and mock this show while she was watching it just to irritate her. Unfortunately, I got so used to watching it that I eventually got sucked in. Later to become a Wednesday night ritual at the Sunflower Apartments. A good show, no. But this is a list of favorites.

The Shield (FX)
This might count as a universally praised show, but I don’t care. It is just too good for me to leave off. Starting with the pilot episode, the tone for the show’s entire run is set. I thought that Michael Chiklis (the Commish?) would be hard for me to believe as a tough cop–until I actually watched the show. I have never had any problem buying him as a ruthless “ends justify the means” hardass cop. And the supporting cast is good. Really good.

3-South (MTV)
A short lived animated show on MTV. It is one of my personal favorites with some really funny voice work from Brian Posehn and *shudder* Brian Dunkleman.

Firefly (grrrr, FOX)
I’m bitter about how FOX treated this show. Buried on Friday night, shown out of order, and quickly pulled from the schedule, it never really had a chance on TV. But it found new life on DVD, sold like crazy, and now is going to grace movie screens the fall as a feature. I have my doubts as to how well it will translate to the big screen, but this is about the show. Which was so good, and killed with so much story potential still ahead. History: I was a Buffy and Angel fan, so of course a new Joss Whedon show had my attention. The cast scared me a little. I mean, the dumb guy from Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place (not even one of the two guys for crying out loud) was the lead. And one of the chicks from Cleopatra 2525. Not exactly inspiring. But after watching the filmed episodes, I hold this show up as one of my favorite casting jobs ever. Everyone just fits their character perfectly. I am sad to this day that it had such a short TV run. A quote from the pilot that could have been directed toward the nitwits at FOX, “Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!”

Farscape (SciFi)
Science Fiction / Fantasy show by the Henson Company. Yup, Muppets in Space. Well, Rygel anyway. Wild and crazy show, probably another tough one to start up on. The story goes from point A to point Z and then looks for places beyond. And having the obscenely sexy Claudia Black run around in tight black leather sure didn’t make me want to watch it any less.

Ned and Stacy (FOX)
An entry from the sitcom world. Thomas Haydon Church is really mean and funny, and it was a fine vehicle for the beautiful Debra Messing. Not that I can stand to watch her on her current show…

Hang Time (NBC)
An entry from the mid-90′s “TNBC” saturday morning lineup. Most people would name Saved by the Bell, or even California Dreams, but I’m going with Hang Time. Set in an Indiana high school, with a basketball court about 1/4 regulation size, and every stereotype you can shake a stick at, it still managed to be funny. I credit Anthony “Teddy” Anderson, who has gone on to much success. And having the team coached by Reggie Theus and then Dick Butkus? Short of Mike Ditka, I don’t know how much more one could ask for.

Pardon the Interruption (ESPN)
This show has been both a blessing and a curse for viewers. PTI is a magical blend of personalities Tony Kornheiser and Michael Wilbon. Both are veteran writers and friends from the Washington Post, and their history leads to an incredible chemistry made up of antagonism, genuine friendship and respect that is nearly impossible to describe. The curse is that ESPN has tried to capitalize on the formula by hiring a bunch of opinionated moron writers from other newspapers and given them airtime either with their own shows or on Sportscenter or whatever other show happens to have 5 spare minutes. But I will gladly take the bad, because the good is oh so good.

This list is kind of off the top of my head, so I’m sure that lots of quality shows have been omitted. I also had to leave off deserving shows like Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Ed, Moonlighting, Hogan’s Heroes, 3-2-1 Contact, and so many others. But this will have to do–for now.

How can you possibly make NASCAR gear even more appealing than it already is? Camo. RED camo.

Classy. The only thing it is missing is a pouch for your “chaw“.

There are currently two Chattanooga road projects that are sticking in my craw. The first is the renovation of the Market Street Bridge. For those of you that are not local, there are three bridges that cross the Tennessee River from the downtown area. Market Street is the one in the middle, and the easiest one to use from the main downtown area. So traffic is going to be diverted to the other bridges, causing major problems. For two years. Because you know, it needs to take TWO YEARS.

The newest development is the Igou Gap widening project. First of all, the city has exercised it’s eminent domain powers to take land from several homeowners along the route. That doesn’t sit too well with me, especially since the landowners claim the monetary offers from the city were way below current market value. But the part that is really getting me is the newest part of the plan.

Roundabouts.

Roundabouts are about the most ridiculous idea in the history of history. Especially in Chattanooga where no one has any earthly idea what to do with them. This state doesn’t require drivers education, and the drivers test is comprised of four right turns. These drivers can barely figure out how to drive in a straight line, let alone try to navigate a roundabout. Below is the map of the project. Keep in mind that this widening project covers one mile of road. ONE MILE. And in that one mile project, they intend to install TWO roundabouts. City Councilman Jack Benson said, “It is an unusual design. I don’t know of another one like it in the city.” Hey Jack, you know why? Because it is RETARDED!

I think my head is going to explode from trying to comprehend the complete idiocy and ineptitude of our local government.

Is this a local phenomenon? Here in Chattanooga, if you have a house, you get this entertainment newspaper rag tossed into your yard once a week. Do I want it? No. Do I have to chase it down and throw it in the garbage every week? Yes. Does it irritate me? I’ll bet you know the answer to that one.

Where are the environmental hippies when you need them? Someone had to cut down trees for this newspaper. And they are wrapped in *gasp* plastic. C’mon you dirty hippies, start a protest or something and get this thing canceled!

Reese Witherspoon has made her way up onto her soapbox. To rip Jessica Simpson for being a dumb blonde. Let’s lean in close and listen:

“Creating a cultural icon out of someone who goes, ‘I’m stupid, isn’t it cute?’ makes me want to throw daggers,” says Reese. “I want to say to them, ‘My Grandma did not fight for what she fought for, just so you can start telling women it’s fun to be stupid.’”

Um, Reese? I don’t suppose the daggers needed throwing when you were “starring” in Legally Blonde I and II, right?

I hope your Grandma is still alive. I also hope she gives you a severe beating. Just for being a dumb blonde.

I had a nice Chattanooga weekend with the visitors from the North. Sampled some of the fine cuisine that is available in this part of the country–they don’t put Wham on pizza just anywhere you know–spent some time playing football with the little one at the park, had a grownups night out at the bar tormenting / entertaining some poor waitress, and had a nice visit with friends in the shadow of the cooling towers of Sequoyah.

Basically, we did everything except sleep. But I remedied that just as soon as I saw the glow of their taillights. “I’ll just lay down for a few minutezzzZZZZZZZZZ”, I thought to myself. Turns out, about 180 of them. But I’m certainly not complaining, as I didn’t have to do it cramped up in a car during a 12 hour trip. So kudos to the MI crew for their steadfast perseverance on the highways of this great country. And all so they could visit little old me.

I’ll bet that 24 hours of driving and then having to put up with me for three days seems like a rotten deal right about now.

At the bank today depositing my checks, when the following conversation was overheard:

Teller#1 “What is this weekend?”
Teller#2 “The 6th and 7th.”
Teller#1 “So what day is the 8th?”

These are the people in charge of my money. Ouch.

You know, I kind of hate that we as a society are so celebrity obsessed. But then again, the fact that we are means there are photographers following Tara Reid around to take pictures of her whenever she gets drunk and falls down. And that I like. *Sigh* So I guess I have an internal conflict.

Is anyone else surprised that she bothered with underwear? She always struck me as a “sans panties” type of girl.