I come home from my near daily trip to Lowe’s / Home Depot tonight about 9:30pm. My neighbor is mowing his lawn. Not only is he mowing, but it has been so long since the last mow that each strip he does causes the mower to bog down and stall out. At which point he unclogs it, restarts the mower, runs for about 20 seconds until the next bog down, and repeats.

I think Darwin needs a little more work on that theory of his…

THIS is why I’m watching Hit Me Baby One More Time.

Shannon (Let the Music Play) just performed, and in the middle of the song the following transpired: She performed a series of twirls, set down the mic, did a pushup, retrieved the mic, did a high kick, and then triumphantly yelled “What’s my name!?!?!?” At this point the camera switches to a panned shot of the crowd in the front row where each and every audience member had a blank dumbfounded look on their face, because they had NO IDEA what the hell her name was. Absolutely tremendous. Unintentional comedy to be sure, but comedy nonetheless.

Why did tiger attack Roy Horn?

Here is an excerpt from the article on MSNBC:

But federal investigators still do not know what led a Bengal tiger to attack illusionist Roy Horn of Siegfried & Roy during a performance nearly two years ago.

Federal investigators? Federal investigators?!? THIS is what our tax dollars go to? Does this incident really require an investigation? Psst–Hey Siggy? Roy? I’ve conducted my own thorough investigation and have unearthed the reason for the attack. Ready? You listening? Here goes: HE IS A FRIGGIN’ TIGER !!!!! ON A STAGE SHOW IN VEGAS !!!!! WITH YOU TWO JACKASSES POKING STICKS AT HIM TRYING TO GET HIM TO JUMP THROUGH HOOPS !!!!!

Hopefully that clears things up.

My tomato plant needs to start producing. It is growing like a crazy mutant weed, but it is not producing any tomatoes. I’ve made sure it stays watered and gets lots of sun, and I’ve even pulled the suckers off. Blossoms have shown up, but then…nothing. They say you are supposed to talk to plants. Does yelling threats at them while brandishing a squirt bottle of RoundUp count?

Plugged in The Cardigans – Long Gone Before Daylight tonight–one of my favorite mellow cd’s.

Occasionally groovy and always melancholy (if that makes any sense) there isn’t a clunker on the whole disc. Don’t listen to it expecting to find another “Lovefool”–it isn’t there. Depending on your point of view, that might be good or bad. Either way, give it a listen and then shoot me some feedback.

Highlights: Live and Learn, For What it’s Worth, You’re the Storm.

And in case you were wondering…that was them on 90210 way back in ’97. Specifically the episode where Kelly Taylor’s dad threw that roaring 20′s graduation party. Jeez, I’m ever so glad that this is the kind of information my brain keeps handy. Now where did I put my keys…

Lineup was weak tonight: Billy Vera, Club Nouveau, Thelma Houston, Glass Tiger and Greg Kihn. Season finale is next week. I think ratings have been good though, so new episodes are pretty much guaranteed. Three cheers for more nostalgic television! It’s good to be a child of the 80′s these days.

Has anyone else noticed that the “British Tom Welling” host has freakishly long hands and fingers? Like bigger than Arsenio. Totally weird.

As if it weren’t bad enough that I have to hear about friggin’ Tom Cruise and friggin’ Katie Holmes on every newscast and newspaper and tv show and magazine cover and airplane skywriter, there is an even worse aspect of this whole disaster–another celeb couple nickname.

TomKat.

If I ever find the bastard that coined that term, I’m going to tie him / her up and put them in the special room I have set aside for punishment of the world’s greatest criminals. You know, like the genius behind the mountain of AOL cd’s. Or for that matter, the programmers for the AOL software. Or whomever is responsible for not making driver’s education a requirement in Tennessee. Oh, and the masterminds behind cellphone ringtones…yeah, people like that.

Q: What’s Helen Keller’s favorite color?
A: Corduroy.

I’m not even going to get into the Michael Jackson likes to molest children thing. Frankly, the thing I find most disturbing about this case is that so far as I can remember a jury has yet to convict a celebrity of whatever their alleged crime might be. Maybe these people are truly innocent? Maybe, but just the sheer number of recent celeb cases that have ended in acquittal would lead me to believe that the law of averages would make at least one of them guilty. Or maybe the DA’s are so unbelievably incompetent that they can’t present a case without getting torn apart by a defense attorney? This is more probable, but still, some of these cases seem like even a moderately intelligent ape could get a conviction.

What sort of allegiance can one really feel for the likes of Robert Blake and OJ Simpson anyway? I mean, it isn’t like this is Bill Cosby or some other celebrity that is actually looked up to and admired on the stand. It’s Robert F’n Blake. I just don’t get it…

While looking at the IMDB today, I see this headline poking out from their “news” section: Hilton Plans To Quit Public Life in Two Years

Paris, don’t let me stop you. Go ahead and take that well deserved retirement and GET THE HELL OFF MY TV. And eat a sandwich or two every once in a while.

Housewarming party was yesterday, much thanks to all those that helped plan, prepare, eat, socialize, and / or sent their heartfelt messages by US Mail. A good time was had by all. (Everything I know about writing an event report I learned on the Sanjo newspaper staff circa 1989. Much DAP to Mrs. Wills!)

If you haven’t been watching “Hit Me Baby One More Time” on NBC, you are missing arguably the greatest train wreck TV in history. During last nights episode, the unintentional comedy factor was off the scale, as the creepy British host kept referring to Vanilla Ice as “Vaniller.” As if having Vanilla Ice on your show wasn’t enough in and of itself. And speaking of Vaniller, nothing made me laugh more that watching his DJ try and look “hard” whenever the camera was on him.

The format is this: “Artists” play a version of one of their hits, then come back later in the show to play a cover of a fairly recent hit. While this leads to some pretty good choices, it also leaves the door wide open for a disaster. Example? Wang Chung is planning to cover “Hot in Herre” by Nelly.

Cameo is scheduled to be on as well. I just hope he hasn’t gotten too fat to wear the codpiece.

Am I a bad person because I’m drinking gas-station cappuccino and kind of liking it?

My gut tells me yes…

I was making my daily trip to Lowe’s today to buy some painting supplies. The main reason I needed to go was to get a paint stirrer because I’d forgotten to get one when I bought primer the other day. So I do my shopping, buy a can of paint, get the service guy to put it in the shaker, then ask for a couple of paint stirrers.

“We are all out. Have been for a couple of weeks now.”

You know what? You just might want to look into ordering some of those, don’t you think?

Idiot.